Image/collage by Jessica Sharpenstein

Overgiving Isn’t Love:

Unwinding the Patterns of Sacrifice, Over-Responsibility, and Emotional Enmeshment

You were not put here to be consumed.
You were not born to be a mirror for others’ comfort.
Self-erasure is not love. It’s survival.

Many of us learned to give everything we had—our time, our energy, our presence, our peace—in order to be seen as good, kind, dependable, worthy.
But at what cost?

Through my work with caregivers, leaders, helpers, and trauma survivors, I see the same patterns again and again: overgiving that gets mistaken for love, feeling needed, and being dutiful. They are survival strategies—wired through lived experience and reinforced by systemic norms.

1. The Sacrifice Pattern

Old story:
“If I love you, I will give everything.”
How it shows up:

You shrink your needs to accommodate someone else’s.
You give beyond your capacity, often in silence.
You say yes when your body says no.
You’re seen as “the strong one,” “the helper,” or “the reliable one.”
You’ve never known love that didn’t require exhaustion.

It’s a cycle of depletion dressed in devotion.

2. The Over-Responsibility Pattern

Old story:
“If something goes wrong, it must be my fault.”
How it shows up:

You over-prepare, over-function, or over-apologize.
You try to “fix” things before anyone knows there’s a problem.
You feel guilt when others are struggling—even if it has nothing to do with you.
You quietly carry the weight of everyone else’s emotions, needs, and outcomes.

This isn’t leadership. It’s hypervigilance. Somewhere, you were taught that love and service mean control.

3. The Emotional Enmeshment Pattern

Old story:
“If they’re hurting, I can’t be okay.”
How it shows up:

You feel others’ pain as if it’s your own—and try to soothe it before they ask.
You scan rooms, moods, and messages to make sure you haven’t upset anyone.
You confuse empathy with merging.
You avoid naming your needs if someone else is in distress.
You think detachment is cold, so you stay entangled instead.

You were taught that love, service, and leadership mean dissolving your boundaries.

Where These Patterns Come From

These behaviors often form early: in homes where emotional regulation was absent, in religious or cultural spaces where self-denial was praised, in workplaces where burnout was normalized, or in communities where compliance meant safety. They are reinforced by systems that tell us our worth is in our output, teach women and femmes that their value lies in being pleasing and agreeable, punish disruption, and center comfort for the dominant group.

What These Patterns Cost Us

Burnout that masquerades as “being needed”
Chronic indecision masked as flexibility
Anxiety, resentment, and guilt masked as empathy
Numbness from living outside your own needs
Emotional labor that goes unseen and unpaid
Cycles of silent suffering that you call strength

How to Begin Choosing Differently

Start here:

Say “I need time to think about it” before committing.
Pause before offering advice—ask, “Do you want support or just space to share?”
Let someone be disappointed without rushing to fix it.
Let yourself be misunderstood without overexplaining.
Ask yourself, “Is this my responsibility?”—and listen to the answer.

These are not selfish acts. They are self-honoring ones.

A Breath for Unwinding Old Roles

Close your eyes.
Place your hand on your body.

Inhale: I am not responsible for their feelings.
Exhale: I am responsible for my peace.

Ask yourself gently:
What pattern is ready to soften today?
Listen. Let your body speak. Let your breath answer.

Ready to Practice New Patterns?

If you're ready to stop equating love with self-erasure…
If you're done carrying emotional burdens that were never yours to begin with…
If you want your nervous system to feel safe while you say no...

I invite you into Rest to Remember: Tending to the Divine Mother in You—A Breathwork + Ritual Experience. A space to unwind survival patterns, reclaim your voice, and breathe into new ways of being.