November is my birthday month, and I’m neck-deep in holiday season chaos. This time of year often feels performative, bringing with it a familiar mix of grief, the pressure to meet expectations, the dread of small talk, guilt when I set boundaries, and shame when I let them crumble. For the past few years, I’ve been turning to Anne Lamott’s “12 Truths I Learned from Life and Writing” to keep me grounded and remind me that growth isn’t always tidy. In recent years, one of my key reflections has been on stepping back from the need to rescue others, a pattern I’m still working to unlearn. I consider myself a “recovering rescuer,” and revisiting this concept helps me approach the season with clarity that I can rescue myself by honoring my needs. 

Some of us can relate to the idea of rescuing. It often starts as an innocent wish to support, to protect. But as Anne Lamott eloquently reminds us: “Our help is usually not very helpful. Our help is often toxic. And help is the sunny side of control. Stop helping so much. Don't get your help and goodness all over everybody”​(Lamott, 12 Truths). This quote encapsulates the very dynamic I’m working to release, and one that sits at the heart of the Karpman Drama Triangle.

In the Drama Triangle, the roles of Rescuer, Persecutor, and Victim keep us locked in cycles that disempower everyone involved. The Rescuer role often emerges from an urge to people-please, to avoid conflict, or to feel validated through helping others. Yet, as Nancy Van Dyken points out in Everyday Narcissism, this can lead to myths that we need to “control how other people feel and behave” and that “the needs and wants of others are more important than our own.” In chasing validation through helping, we sacrifice our own needs, creating a cycle that can lead to burnout, resentment, and a sense of martyrdom.

Reflecting on these truths, I’ve found it helpful to ask myself questions like: “Am I trying to save someone?” “How can I help empower this person rather than fix them?” “What do I need right now?” These questions help me recognize when my intentions are truly helpful versus when they’re veering toward control or avoidance of my own vulnerability.

Lamott also writes that “while fixing and saving and trying to rescue is futile, radical self-care is quantum, and it radiates out from you into the atmosphere like a little fresh air. It's a huge gift to the world”​(Lamott, 12 Truths). This shift from fixing others to caring for myself has been transformative. It allows me to recognize that my worth is not tied to how well I can support others, but in how well I can nurture myself and create a stable, balanced presence that others can connect with on their own terms.

Common Patterns in the Rescuer Role

1. People-Pleasing: Often driven by a need to feel good, to avoid conflict, or to ensure approval. This can cloud our ability to understand our own desires, leaving us hyper-attuned to others’ emotions while losing sight of our own.

2. Hypervigilance and Sensitivity: When we become overly sensitive to others’ emotions and nuances, we risk overextending ourselves. This can lead to chronic exhaustion and feeling trapped in others’ problems, with little energy left for our own needs.

3. Avoiding Vulnerability: Focusing on others can become a way to avoid facing our own needs. Asking for what we need requires vulnerability, which can be uncomfortable, so we turn to the safety of rescuing others.

4. Boundary Challenges: Rescuers often don’t know when to step back, leading to an internal tug-of-war between feeling needed and feeling overextended. Pulling back to stay in our lane—and recognizing others’ autonomy—is essential but challenging.

As I continue to navigate these patterns, I remind myself of the power of letting go. Lamott’s words resonate here: “You have to release them. It’s disrespectful not to. And if it's someone else's problem, you probably don't have the answer, anyway”​(Lamott, 12 Truths). Sometimes the greatest support we can offer others is to let them find their own way, just as we find ours.

So, as this season unfolds, I offer this reflection in hopes that it might inspire you, too, to pause and evaluate: where can you step back and release? How can you redirect some of that care and attention toward yourself? By honoring our needs and releasing control, we create a powerful ripple of empowerment in our lives and the lives of those around us. Here’s to another year of growth, self-study, and the courage to say no and let go.

Always from the heart,

Jessica Sharpenstein

~jsharp

Journaling Prompts for Insight and Reflection: 

Writing helps clients bring subconscious patterns to light. 

• "What recurring thoughts or beliefs do I notice when I’m in a challenging situation?"

• "When I feel the urge to rescue or please others, what emotions come up for me?"

• "What are my unmet needs, and how can I start to meet them?"

Resources and Further Reading

• Lamott, Anne (2019) “12 Truths I Learned from Life and Writing” article sourced from Kelly Gallagher’s Article of the Week archive.

• Priebe, H. (2023) “How To Recognize When You're In The Drama Triangle”

• Van Dyken, N. (2017). Everyday narcissism: yours, mine, and ours. Las Vegas: CRP Central Recovery Press.

• University of South Carolina Human Resources “Escaping the Drama Triangle”
  
  

Practices & Tools:

• Breathwork Techniques:
  Explore specific breathwork practices, such as box breathing, straw breathing, and belly breath, to support emotional release and bring awareness to habitual patterning. These techniques, along with practices like the 3-part breath and conscious connected breath that I facilitate, help the body shift out of habitual patterning and responses. By employing these dynamic breath patterns, you can quiet the thinking mind, allowing the body to regulate itself more effectively. In this state, you'll create space for reflection and the conscious release of old patterns.
  
  

• Mindful Arts Practices:
  Whether through painting, writing, or movement—these practices serve as a powerful way to process and release habitual patterns. Art transcends words, providing an outlet for emotional release and the integration of healthier patterns. By channeling feelings into creative outlets, you can uncover and confront inherited beliefs and behaviors passed down through generations. My past newsletters and Creative Integration Retreat offer guides on using the arts for self-awareness and growth, empowering you to explore and transform your experiences.
  
  

• Consult a Processor (licensed professional; holistic healer/coach; or mentor)

Once you identify a pattern, actively working to reshape it becomes essential. This can involve setting new boundaries in relationships, challenging inherited beliefs around money or success, or practicing vulnerability where your family may have avoided it. I can support you in this phase by leveraging my background in habit change, mindset work, and coaching to help you navigate this process.